My Perplexing Indulgence With Despair

The truth is…

I don’t want to feel good
Right now,

I don’t want to be ready
To meet my new day,

After a night
Of missing you,

My bed,
Empty.

My heart,
Empty.

My life…

Empty.

I no longer
Can feel
How to breathe.

And last night
I did
What I kept
Telling myself
I’ll never do…

Again,

I had another
Meeting
With my bourbon friend,

Knowing full well
The forthcoming pain

Of heartache
In my dreams,

And hangover
In the morning.

But there’s
A curious beauty
In that hurt.

Maybe I wanted
To drown
All the more
In ache and sorrow,

Maybe I longed for
The mourning at morning…

Just to magnify
The meaning
Of my loss,

Feeling the rush
Of rawness
That makes one
Feel truly alive,
While dying.

Maybe it’s
My own strange way
Of placing myself
Before your pedestal,

And idolizing
A dream
That will now
Never be.

All I know is that,

I’ve relived
The painful epiphany
Made so glorious
In the bruising…

There’s nothing more real,

More agonizing,

And more beautiful

Than my perplexing

Indulgence with despair.

© 2018 W. C. Stacia, Jr.

53 thoughts on “My Perplexing Indulgence With Despair

      1. I get it.. I do the same thing ..

        I’ve experienced this a few times in life.. The surge of overwhelming emotion that hits as soon as the eyes open..
        But to tell the truth I wouldn’t trade the pain because it has given me strength and a certain perspective on life I wouldn’t other wise have.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Very true..

        I find that when I write about certain things it feels like a weight has been lifted.. No matter how short lived that feeling may be , it seems like writing is a great stress reliever..

        😊

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I so totally agree….and I’ve found that I keep an electronic journal at the ready, always ready to capture an idea based on feeling, something I see, or something I hear.

        Then in the evening, when it’s my time, I sit down and write.

        Just love it.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. That’s a great idea ! There is always something inspiring happening around us everyday.

        Plus like we discussed before about being weirdos lol!! Its always great to capture an idea while its fresh before it disappears..
        😊 !

        Liked by 1 person

      5. For me, I use “One Note” on my phone…so wherever I am…I can quickly capture those thoughts.

        There’s been so many times when a great writing idea came to mind…I didn’t write it down…and in a moment it was gone.

        Quickly, and firmly grasp your creative thoughts!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. there’s an intense beauty in pain and you translate that so precisely in your poem, but I also read that you allow that emotion to have its moment and then you live in the next. always a thread of hope in your words, good writing Bill.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Gina! And you’ve got it right. It’s strange to me, but I almost welcome pain in life as it reminds me that I’m truly alive, nothing is ever perfect, and the rawness is all part of our short time on this earth.

      🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. accepting that is the most fundamental part of life, knowing we can love through pain and not be damaged by loss that we can never love again. you have a beautiful soul, it comes through in your writing, i hope you will continue to nurture that part of you. the brevity of life is something that pushes me forward too. welcome the pain but let it heal us too right?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. When you delve into the oceans of intense pain and swim to the sea-beds of hurt, you emerge with the finest crab pearls! Your fine verse is a result of your dive into oceans of intense pain.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Heartbreaks and life go so much hand in hand. Love this
    “Maybe I longed for
    The mourning at morning…

    Just to magnify
    The meaning
    Of my loss,

    Feeling the rush
    Of rawness
    That makes one
    Feel truly alive,
    While dying.”
    💞💞💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate the comments…and I so agree. When I wrote that, there was a part of me that actually relished the pain as if it was part of the raw panoply of life. Maybe that sounds strange…but there was a beauty in the richness of hurt.

      Liked by 1 person

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