Shutdown…Or Sleep?

Every night,
I find myself
Confronted with
The same dilemma.

After a day,
Focused on

No…

Fixated on you,

I sit down to finish
The same love note.

So wanting you,
To know me,
And want me,
And connect with…

Me.

After dinner,
After all my chores,
And company work
Are complete…

I face a half- empty screen,
And blinking cursor…

Drawing me into
Its false promise of satisfaction,

Demanding my thoughts,

Exacerbating my insecurities,

And undeniably
Opening,
Again,

That emotional wound,
Yet to heal…

All,
As it was last night,
And the night before,
And the night before.

Somewhere between

“Hey…I’ve been thinking about you,”

And deleting that abysmal attempt,
To bridge my world,
With yours,

I…

Founder.

Maybe,
Maybe I’m not meant to break the shackles
That chain me to the empty now,
Tortured by sensing you in my arms,
Leaving my love for you
Unspoken,
Unwritten…

Unfulfilled.

Call it what you will…

Unsophistication,
Insecurity,
Faintheartedness,

But each night,
This is what I do,

This is
What I bear…

The crushing weight

Of me,

Wanting so badly,

For you,
To want

Me.

Just another moment
Staring at this half-written reflection
Of my failure.

Now what do I do?

The screen demands
An answer,

“Shutdown,”
And therefore
Forget,
Delete…

Or “Sleep,”
And therefore
Remember,
Perpetuate?

Escape
And moving forward is
“Shutdown.”

But that takes courage,
Doesn’t it?

Just another thing
I’m lacking.

So this night…

As in the last,
Forever,

I select “Sleep,”

Trying,
I guess…

To grasp,
And clutch
So tightly
To this mist of you
Caressing my fingertips.

 

 

© 2018 W. C. Stacia, Jr.

4 thoughts on “Shutdown…Or Sleep?

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